Interfaith couples celebrate and learn from their differences

By AMBER MILES

Originally printed in the Times Union,
October 13, 2007

Like many couples, Josh and Laura Mullin Klein face the dilemma of whose family to spend Christmas with. But they also wonder where to fit the celebration of the historically Christian holiday around the other traditional holiday in their family Hanukkah.

Some years, Laura spends time with Josh's family for Hanukkah, and others, Josh celebrates Christmas with her family. Regardless of whose "turn" it is, the Ballston Lake newlyweds say they'd rather compromise when it comes to their religion than to be without one another.

"Our differences in religion were known very early in the relationship. I know we're both very spiritual, so religious differences aside, that's our commonality," says Laura Klein.

Laura raised Roman Catholic grew up going to church every weekend. The 26-year-old Clifton Park native is a member of St. Mary's Crescent, which she attended while growing up.

She says learning about Josh and the differences they have has been beneficial.

"We have both learned to respect and participate in one another's spirituality and religious beliefs. We've both worked extremely hard to celebrate our differences, rather than to criticize them," she says.

About 28 million U.S. adults live in mixed-religion households, according to the American Religious Identification Survey 2001 (the latest survey). Called interfaith or mixed religion, these couples typically observe religions that teach different beliefs and practices about deity, humanity and the rest of the universe.

Despite the differences in beliefs, it's love and respect for the other person that binds interfaith relationships, just as it does same-faith couples, says Rabbi Laurence Aryeh Alpern. Twelve years ago, Alpern founded Temple Shabbat Shalom, a Saratoga Springs temple for interfaith couples. While studying the interfaith phenomena for his post-graduate family therapy training, he came to understand couples from different religions deserved a credentialed rabbi as a mentor.

"There are more Jews marrying Christians than ever before in our time. The reality is people can make it work," says Alpern, who has co-officiated more than 300 weddings with Protestant or Catholic clergy.

"We live in an open society. You're going to meet people from other religions and find them attractive, and you're going to want to marry," says Alpern. "When couples ask for my requirements, I ask, 'Do you love each other? Is it forever?' If so, what more can I ask for?"

In March 2007, when it came time for the Kleins' big day, they planned a ceremony that incorporated both their beliefs.

"It kind of forced us to realize how important our faith was," says Laura. "The biggest challenge and concern (from our families) was each of us embarking on a relationship with someone of another faith and our own being pushed aside."

They incorporated several traditions, including the sign of peace (a Catholic ritual that invites guests to share in a sign of goodwill through a handshake or hug); the chuppah, or Jewish marriage canopy (an open tent that signifies the couple's home will always be open to family and friends); and the breaking of the glass, a Jewish tradition that symbolizes the fragility of life, sorrow in the midst of joy and transformation of today. It also symbolizes celebration of the couple's life together and the hope the marriage will be as difficult to destroy as it would be to put the pieces of the glass back together.

"Couples from different religions share the same, ordinary, well-known American holidays and speak English. Most interfaith couples come from traditions that speak a 'foreign' language and have a unique calendar with special holy days and holidays. We all sing in worship, but the doctrines taught from the pulpits vary," he says. "Some are universal and shared by all traditions; some are exclusive, and interfaith couples learn to transcend the narrow view."

Interfaith marriages among Jews have increased from 13 percent before 1970 to close to 50 percent, according to a study conducted by the United Jewish Communities. Those numbers can be attributed to couples who are willing to see beyond their own views and accept others' ideas.

Josh says his biggest concern, knowing that Laura came from such a strong religious background, was adjusting to that culture. Though he came from Reform Judaism, he says Laura was more of a practicing Catholic than he was a practicing Jew.

"One thing that's been very clear is that we're both not interested in converting to the other's religion. I realized early on that practicing regularly was a choice she made and I accepted that," says the 28-year-old.

Although making holiday arrangements are important, there is another marriage hurdle they must cross when they feel the time is right: how to raise their children. Laura wants them to be baptized, a tradition that's important to her. But both agree they want their children to have an understanding of both faiths.

"Hopefully, we provide them with options," Josh says. "We want to expose them to both faiths. To us, it's more about celebrating the difference and realizing there's no right and wrong."

Jason Decker, a 33-year-old from Rochester, wants the same for his children.

"You can expose children to religion without drawing a line in the sand," he says.

He and his wife, Robyn, who've been married for almost two years, are aware that teaching their children about their religious differences Jason was confirmed Lutheran and Robyn is Jewish will be a challenge, but one they are willing to work on.

"We haven't decided whether we'll join a church or synagogue, but we both agree we'll be committed to one," says Robyn, 29, from Staten Island. "We want it to be something the entire family will be involved with."

Jason hopes the newsletter Alpern publishes, which gives suggestions for in-home services, such as the seder table services to transform their homes into sanctuaries, will be of assistance.

"I think our children will be pretty darned confused," Jason jokes.

Communication is key in bringing together two families from two different religions.

"My mom and stepfather have asked Robyn and her family a lot of questions about some of the Jewish traditions. They have been particularly interested in the Passover seder. Robyn's mom sent a Haggada (Passover prayer book) to my parents so they could read about the seder," Jason says. "My mom and stepfather are very vocal about their religious beliefs. Robyn's mom has been to their house and has participated when they say a prayer before each meal."

When the couple told Jason's family they were getting married by a rabbi, there was concern he'd have to convert. He didn't.

After attending Robyn's cousin's wedding, in which Alpern officiated, Jason and Robyn knew they wanted to work with him for their ceremony.

"We realized then that an interfaith ceremony could be done," Jason says. "Rabbi Alpern has a way of making people understand and feel comfortable about the different traditions."

To honor Jason's stepfather, who is a pastor, the couple asked him to read the seven blessings in English, while Alpern said them in Hebrew. The seven blessings are for the bride and groom to experience the joy of the Garden of Eden and for all of humanity to experience peace and jubilation equal to the joy of the wedding celebration. By having Jason's stepfather read, they were able recognize him as a religious teacher, just as they had recognized Alpern.

Jason's stepfather also said a blessing at the rehearsal dinner. Before the ceremony, both families signed the ketubah (a Jewish marriage license) to make the marriage official, but Alpern suggested the couple still cite vows for their family and friends.

Even without a set location for holidays and a script for how they will raise their children, they make it work.

"It's a learning process. We've learned that we need to be strong communicators," Josh says. "It doesn't mean we don't struggle, but we've both been open to learn."

Amber Miles, a former Times Union staff writer, is a freelance writer in Ruston, La.

return to articles